Ho fucking ho, it’s December once again and that means it’s time for your ears to cop a full-frontal assault from garbage Christmas songs from terrible musicians of every genre imaginable. In supermarkets, on the radio, even at work where you cannot possibly escape, an entire month of vomit-inducingly jolly tunes.
As far as I’m concerned, there has been maybe one good Christmas song written in the history of ever, and it was Paul Kelly’s How To Make Gravy. Everything else has been pretty much a pathetic attempt to cash in on the festive season, to the delight of middle-aged women and awful people everywhere and much to the chagrin of people who hate the unholy fuck out of everything about Christmas like me (except the food and the presents and the getting to spend time with family stuff, that can stay)
If you ever meet anyone who enjoys one of the following, run for your life before they suck your soul right out of your face.
5: Destiny’s Child – Eight Days Of Christmas
People fawn over Beyonce as some kind of untouchable goddess today but I’m here to let you know she can be just as tacky and awful as any other pop star and is more than capable of horrendous shit like this. What happened to the other four days, Destiny’s Child? Did you forget about them entirely or did you simply not have enough blithering crap to sing about to fill the traditional 12?
Seriously, this is fucked. A diamond belly ring? A cropped jacket and dirty denim jeans? A gift certificate to get my favourite CDs? What kind of basic bitch trip are you all on? This had to have been before Bey and Jay were a thing, because I know Jigga would be having absolutely none of this rotten little list you’re giving him, Beyonce.
It’s disheartening to contemplate that, for all of their independent woman songs and girl power attitude, at heart, Destiny’s Child were just as materialistic and shallow as any of the women they were empowering in the late 90s/early 00s.
4: Bob Dylan – It Must Be Santa
Why did you do this to us, Bob? What could you, a man who has released over 36 studio albums, 11 live albums and regarded as one of the best songwriters of all time, possibly have to gain from releasing this disgustingly jaunty, accordion-heavy Christmas song about Kris Kringle?
A song where you sound like a grandfather blind drunk on eggnog as you speed through sickeningly child-like Christmas-y lyrics like ‘special night, beard that’s white, it must be Santa, it must be Santa’. How dare you stand there in the accompanying music video, in your ridiculous white top hat, as though you don’t owe the rest of the world an explanation for this nonsense. How dare you.
3: Bon Jovi – Back Door Santa
I shouldn’t even have to point out that Back Door Santa sounds like the title of an unfathomably sleazy Christmas-themed porno. I also shouldn’t have to point out that Bon Jovi were the Britney Spears of 80s hair metal, and that their cover of Clarence Carter’s already awful original is unfiltered reindeer piss.
Everyone knew Clarence Carter was a filthy old man (he is behind such other ribald hits as Strokin’) but it’s somehow even worse to hear feathery-haired git Jon Bon Jovi slither his way through these bafflingly suggestive lyrics, including. ‘I keep the little girls happy while the boys are out to play’ and ‘I kept that door open in case anyone smelled a mouse’.
It’s already creepy enough that Santa knows when and where I sleep, I’ll be spending Christmas Eve in the corner of my room, rocking back and forth with a baseball bat if you suggest for even a second that he might slip in and try to rear end me. Fuck you, Santa.
2: Snoop Dogg – Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto
How well would gangsta rap and Christmas mix? Death Row records were so keen to find out they stuffed our stockings with Christmas On Death Row in 1996, chock full of wonderful beats to deck the halls to.
I’m kidding of course, this shit is the plague. Not to be mistaken with the James Brown song of the same name (also shit), not only was this a real Snoop Dogg song from BEFORE he got old and lost his mind, but Dogg Pound members who weren’t previously terrible like Daz Dillinger and Nate Dogg also lent their names to this monstrosity. It stabs at my insides to hear them rapping about ‘postin’ up with eggnog’ and rhyming phrases like ‘hair still nappy’ with ‘steal a gift for my old grandpappy’.
Force my eyeballs open a la A Clockwork Orange and make me watch Jingle All The Way every fucking day of December before you make me listen to this again, shit.
1: Justin Bieber and Busta Rhymes – The Little Drummer Boy
THERE WILL BE NO CHRISTMAS! THE NORTH POLE IS ON FIRE AND ALL THE ELVES ARE BURNING! GOD IS DEAD AND SANTA MURDERED HIM! JESUS CAN’T EVEN WITH THIS! THE GRINCH TOOK A PISS ON THE NATIVITY SCENE! YOUR STOCKING IS FILLED WITH BURNT PRESENTS AND REINDEER SHIT!!!!