2016 has been such a huge year for so many different musical communities. Some would argue it was hip-hop’s greatest and most significant year since the 80s, whilst others will proclaim it was a year that guitar-rock reared its head from the ashes after a decade of apocalyptic proclamations. Still others will point to the vast amount of EDM releases from all manner of producers and artists throughout the year, noting that collaborations have now become the norm for music.
However, 2016 was also a year which has polarised a group of long-haired, leather-clad guitar shredders and caused more flame-threads on social media than any article The Conversation could ever produce. We’re talking of course, about the effects of a new Metallica album.
The metal superpower released their 10th album Hardwired….To Self-Destruct last week after an agonising two months of drip-feeding singles, videos, and photos of lead singer James Hetfield sporting a new collection of patchy denim jackets.
As with most releases within the wider metal community, there were legions of fans who embraced the new, back to their roots material whilst others rejected the 80s sound in favour of the bands’ early, “canon” material.
Of course, a natural result of this conversation has been for fans to share what is, in their opinion, the definitive ranking of Metallica’s albums over the course of their hugely influential 30-year career. Given the band has arguably had more influence over the sound of heavy metal and hard rock than anyone else in the last three decades, it’s a daunting task, we figured that we may as well join in the party. So we bring you our own ranking of the discography of ‘TALLICA BABY!
10) Load (1996)
It was always going to be impossible to follow up the success of an album that was as huge as Metallica’s self-titled five years earlier. However, to turn around and cut the locks, lose the guitar solos, disconnect the questionable double-kick of drummer Lars Ulrich and provide an album cover that displayed a mixture of blood and semen was just a little bit hard to digest for some, we included.
Truth be told, there are some solid melodies and riffs throughout the album. Outlaw Torn provided one of the beefier riffs in the bands’ catalog, whilst Until It Sleeps showed that the band had lost none of their melodic prowess. However, the misogynist Ain’t My Bitch, drowsy Mama Said, and dark but ultimately boring Bleeding Me set the tone for the rest of the record… all 78 minutes of it.
Highlight – Hero Of The Day
Lowlight – Ain’t My Bitch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkfO8c8MlKU
9) Reload (1997)
The partner record for Load, Reload took the bad parts of Load and made them slightly more bearable. For example, the cover now depicted a combination of blood and urine, the album clocked in at 76 minutes and the songs were slightly more bearable.
Fuel will always sound like a NASCAR soundtrack, but it still excites the fans when pulled out in the live arena, whilst The Memory Remains sneers about the consumerism of America and gives a middle finger to the powers that be. However, whilst the record puts the right foot forward, it ultimately drops off into forgettable hard-rock tunes that sound more like discarded b-sides than carefully composed works – looking at you Fixxer, Bad Seed and the awfully named Carpe Diem Baby.
Highlight: The Memory Remains
Lowlight: Carpe Diem Baby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvF9PAxe5Ng
8) Metallica (1991)
Controversial? Sure. But if we take a second to examine the most commercially successful record the band has put out, otherwise known as the “Black Album”, we may find that beyond the singles, there isn’t much substance. Sure, Enter Sandman provided the perfect riff to get your grandma dancing to, and Sad But True is an awesome sing-along. The riffs and solos are there and so is the aggression. But songs like The God That Failed, Through The Never and Don’t Tread On Me don’t break the bank in a musical sense – an accolade that also rings true on My Friend Of Misery.
The self-titled isn’t bad by any stretch of the imagination. But when weighed up against the aggression, anger, and honesty of the rest of their catalog, this record falls short for me. What Metallica do best is heavy metal, not hard rock, and this album still fuses the two more than many would like.
Highlight: Wherever I May Roam
Lowlight: Don’t Tread On Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LG8EUwOhrVw
7) St Anger (2004)
I will go in to bat for this record any day of the week. Yes, it has “that snare drum” sound which, according to many music fans, ruined the overall sound of the album. I won’t for a moment be jumping to its defense, for I myself find it truly annoying, particularly on songs like the snare-led Frantic. However, I will argue that St Anger is the most raw album that the band has ever produced.
Composed against a background of infighting, substance abuse, the exit of long-term bassist Jason Newstead and a stint in rehab for Hetfield, the band channelled a bucket of negative emotions into a CD that roars with a ferocity not shown by the band in over a decade. Tracks like Dirty Window and Invisible Kid still leave a lot to be desired as far as the music itself goes, but the energy shown on Some Kind Of Monster, Shoot Me Again and most evidently on the title track pull this record above a collection of its predecessors.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwZuFexTy0k
Highlight: St Anger
Lowlight: Invisible Kid
6) Hardwired…To Self-Destruct (2016)
A continuation of the “back to their roots” theme of its predecessor, Hardwired thrashes, snarls, screams, and shreds like the Metallica of old. There are signs of ageing over the two discs, most evident on Now That We’re Dead and Dream No More; songs for which Hetfield and Ulrich clearly came up with some fantastic riffs for but couldn’t figure out how to translate into songs of substance.
For the better part, however, the songs on this album are some of Metallica’s heaviest, fastest and most dynamic cuts. Album opener Hardwired puts the foot on the floor with some vintage thrashing, whilst Moth Into The Flame and Here Comes Revenge fuse heaviness with melody in the masterful Metallica fashion, albeit slightly more forced given the age of the band. Lead guitarist Kirk Hammett also shines on this record, throwing all his blues licks and fretboard speed into a giant melting pot of furious solo work. It drags at times, but for the better part, it rocks.
Highlight: Moth Into The Flame
Lowlight: Now That We’re Dead
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tdKl-gTpZg
5) Death Magnetic (2008)
Without a doubt the revenge of Kirk Hammett. Having patiently sat through 3 albums of minimal guitar solo work, the band stepped back and allowed the shred-lord to well and truly cut loose on this record, marking a return to the band’s traditional thrash-metal style for the first time in nearly 20 years. The album also marks the first time bassist Robert Trujillo appeared on a Metallica record, providing a distant rumble in the background.
What brings this album above the most recent output from the band is the fact that they were able to condense the record into 9 tracks that mostly stood on their own two feet, with the exception of the forgettable venture of Unforgiven III and the repetitive march of End Of The Line. If the band combined the best tracks of Hardwired and Death Magnetic together, the result would be truly spectacular. That being said, That Was Just Your Life, All Nightmare Long and Judas Kiss are all standouts of the bands’ discography in their own right, and instrumental Suicide And Redemption has arguably the band’s heaviest riffs ever.
Highlight: That Was Just Your Life
Lowlight: The Unforgiven III
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFqjDXy9s5A
4) Kill ‘Em All (1983)
1983 was a simpler time in music. Disco was giving way to the rise of the grittier rock of bars and pubs, whilst glam rock was dazzling the mainstream with its makeup and theatrics, courtesy of the likes of Motley Crue, Whitesnake and Van Halen. On the West Coast of the US, a new genre was forming as a reaction against the glitzy music of the mainstream; bands took the leather of the arena rock stars and added spikes and studs to them, grew their hair out and played their music faster, heavier and wilder than ever before. Production didn’t matter, nor did the lights or the show – it was all about the energy of the music.
This scene, dubbed the Thrash Metal movement, attracted disillusioned youth and spawned the likes of Anthrax, Slayer, Testament, Venom and a little group of 19-years olds from San Francisco called Metallica. They had just had a falling out with ex-guitarist Dave Mustaine, who left to pursue his own music career in the shape of new band Megadeth, and recruited baby-faced Kirk Hammett from Bay-Area group Exodus to work the fretboard.
Despite the fact that Mustaine had composed the majority of tunes the band had, the group scraped together $15,000 to record their first album in a number of brief sessions. The results speak for themselves. Free from the pressure of fame, money and label executives, the group’s debut album is a collection of songs about Satan, phantom lords and the power of heavy music that overflow with excitement. Lars Ulrich pounds away at the drums while Hammett excitedly tremolo picks his strings with every ounce of energy he has, his solos screeching above the screams and shrieks of a teenage Hetfield.
It’s Metallica at their most original and the foundations of their brilliance can be heard most strikingly on cuts such as The Four Horsemen, Whiplash and Jump In The Fire. RIFF.
Highlight: Jump In The Fire
Lowlight: No Remorse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw8W0Ztpe18
3)…And Justice For All (1989)
In the space of three years, the band went from being arguably the biggest in the world to losing their bassist and integral song-writing member Cliff Burton to a horrific bus crash when on tour in Sweden. What followed was a downward spiral of conflict, substance abuse and sheer anger that resulted in the darkly experimental and terribly produced …And Justice For All.
To many, it is their boldest in terms of songwriting, and it’s not hard to see why. Two songs push the 10-minute mark, being the title track and mostly instrumental tribute to Cliff To Live Is To Die, whilst the shortest song, being the ferocious Dyers Eve, clocks in at over five minutes. Each song displays a dazzling array of skills, from the ridiculous guitar solo of Blackened, to the heaviness of Harvester of Sorrow, the double kicks on the aforementioned Dyers Eve and of course, the songwriting triumph of One. Despite the clicky drum sound, tinny vocals, and eradication of newcomer Jason Newstead’s bass parts, …And Justice For All is an incredible collection of progressive thrash that has stood the test of time.
Highlight: One
Lowlight: Frayed Ends of Sanity
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV5Es6CsMl0
2) Master Of Puppets (1986)
While it might just fall short of #1, it is still arguably the most definitive metal album of all time, alongside Iron Maiden’s The Number Of The Beast. As the Spanish flamenco that introduces Battery gives way to the furious thrash of the song, it is evident that this is no ordinary album.
For just over an hour the record presents a masterclass of the fusion of dynamics and heaviness, most apparent in the title track. One of the most famous riffs of all time, the song begins with a thunderous drive, before winding down into a heartfelt bridge and solo, which somehow transforms back into one of the heaviest riffs the band has to offer. A whirlwind solo and final chorus later and you find you have spent a good eight minutes of time, and it doesn’t stop there.
Welcome Home (Sanitarium) starts out as a ballad, presenting a vast canvas of atmospheric sound that gives way to furious thrashing, soloing and threats of uprising against authority. Disposable Heroes tells the grim tale of soldiers in WW1 being mercilessly sent to the front lines over eight minutes of fury, but the true highlight comes in the form of instrumental cut Orion. Metallica are champions of instrumental epics, but the otherworldly sounds of Cliff Burton’s bass tunes in Orion present to fans the true genius of both his playing and songwriting as a final memento before he passed away. The song also centres around my personal favourite riff from the band, with Hetfield and Hammett producing a fearsome behemoth of sound that doubles in the live setting.
Not just a great metal record, but one of the great records.
Highlight: Welcome Home (Sanitarium)
Lowlight: The Thing That Should Not Be
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVhdfJr3A1Y
1) Ride The Lightning (1984)
Hot off the heels of their debut album and first headline tour, Metallica took a change of pace recording album #2, opting to travel to Denmark, the homeland of Ulrich, and use the time away from home to stimulate creative juices. The result is some of the best songwriting committed to record. The fury of album opener Fight Fire With Fire is unmatched, bar to the work of Slayer on their opus Reign In Blood, but the follow-up of the stomp and progression of the title track is even more astounding.
Metallica crafted simple songs that were easy to follow, inserted just the right amount of dynamic and progression and the result was remarkable. Live mainstay Creeping Death builds around the one riff with a simple chorus of open strums which sit beneath tales of the Exodus, yet the song has never, ever felt aged, old or overused.
For Whom The Bell Tolls steps back from the fast, heavy traditions of the time and opts for a slow march, whilst Fade To Black seamlessly traverses from heartbroken ballad to anguished speed-metal anthem. Trapped Under Ice is a bullet that tears through the speakers of unsuspecting earphones and even the slightly repetitive Escape stands on its own two feet.
The fact that the band was only 21 years of age at the time makes the album even more incredible. If you want to introduce someone to heavy music, give them Master Of Puppets. However, if you want to show someone an example of some of the most unusual, creative and genius songwriting of the past 50 years, look no further than this record. A truly remarkable moment of musical history and proof that Metallica are one of a kind.
Highlight: Creeping Death
Lowlight: Escape
Images: In Piece: Wikipedia
Cover photo: Supplied
Back in September, metal stalwarts Metallica appeared on The Tonight Show and performed their new single, A Moth To A Flame. The band also gave a rendition of their iconic track, Enter Sandman, but apparently, after twenty five years of playing that song, Metallica decided to change things up a bit.
Footage of the performance recently surfaced, showing the band, along with Jimmy Fallon and members of The Roots, playing toy instruments. After decades of pounding drums and thrashed out guitars, it is a little surreal to watch Lars Ulrich puffing away on a Melodica, or James Hetfield going nuts over a toy clarinet. And you haven’t truly heard that infamous riff until you’ve heard it on a kazoo…
In a nice touch of mutual respect, Metallica and The Roots appear to have swapped band t-shirts for the performance. What’s even better is no one appears to be enjoying themselves more than an energetic Hetfield, as he grinningly belts out the lyrics.
Metallica’s new double album, Hardwired…To Self-Destruct, is scheduled for release today. Sadly, there probably wasn’t time for the band to work in this new style of playing onto the record. But previews so far do confirm that they haven’t lost their touch with the grown up instruments either, thankfully. You can also now stream the album via 12 music videos released by the band.
But first, check out Enter Sandman as you’ve never seen it before. Fingers crossed for Master Of Puppets next…
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXJifYl_byU&w=560&h=315]
Image: Loudwire
2016 is the year of music that just keeps on giving. Every week there is a new bundle of goods from bands around the world that scream at us for the label of “best of” for the year, and this past week in the world of metal has been no different.
Today we take a look back some of the freshest bangers of the past week or so that you might not wanna play if your Grandma is in the house.
Graves – Fear
It’s taken far too long for this band from Wollongong to get the recognition that they deserve, but this latest single might just be what does it for them. From the get-go, the song kicks you right in the teeth, with the gnarly guitar tones and beatdown drums serving as the perfect companion to the shrieking vocals.
The video is both uncomfortable and disturbing, highlighting suburban violence.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BS2JYkowxIc
The Dillinger Escape Plan – Symptom Of Terminal Illness
Mathcore veterans TDEP’s menacing new single will come as a bittersweet treat to fans, with the group confirming that this will be their final record. Dillinger has never played by the rules, and this time around they have ignored the book again, opting for a more mellow, brooding sound over their trademark hurricane of violence.
Expect a more dynamic farewell from the prog 5 piece.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yztG35U5Hrw
Metallica – Moth Into Flame
Call it Dads trying to resurrect the glory days, call it cheesy, call it whatever the hell you want- but don’t you dare call this a bad song. After 30+ years of relentlessly touring, playing with orchestras and modelling Italian suits, Metallica can still thrash harder, faster and better than a majority of their contemporaries.
This song has everything in it that made the band great in the first place – excessive wah pedals in the solo, some classic Lars Ulrich facial expressions and some of the best rhythm guitars you will hear this year. Horns up!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tdKl-gTpZg
Opeth – The Wilde Flowers
Despite the endless amount of progressive bands that exist in the Internet age, I am still yet to find a band with such a masterful ability to fuse metal with other genres as Stockholm’s Opeth. Purists will be disappointed that the group is still yet to return to their death metal roots, but the song itself should make up for any disappointment felt by that fact. From the thunderous funk of the intro, the song drops into a sparse, gloomy interlude that is vintage Opeth, before erupting into an absolute shred-fest.
Add into the mix a chaotic outro and you have one hell of a preview for their new album.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9vA6dJJX-8
Void Of Vision – //
This young Melbourne metalcore outfit just dropped their debut album, Children Of Chrome, last week, and this song is the perfect preview of what you can expect- a rhythmical intensity that seems almost like hip-hop at times, grainy guitars and some huge choruses. It’s the M15+ version of The Amity Affliction and that’s exactly what the local scene needs right now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsWsry9viVs
Giraffe Tounge Orchestra- Blood Moon
Easily the most confusing addition to this list, the supergroup featuring members of Mastodon (Brent Hinds), Alice In Chains (William duVall) and the aforementioned The Dillinger Escape Plan (Ben Weinman) have dropped the last thing anyone would expect from such a lineup- a groovy, poppy dance-metal track. The video for the song is equally confounding, with members of the band brutally tortured and killed by a gang of dolled-up Barbie girls.
The result is something Quentin Tarantino would be proud of and, given the left-field nature of the final product, it kind of works.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtJbgV3pGkI
Image: Blabbermouth
It has been eight years since Metallica put out an album, but after months of build up, the metal legends have finally announced that Hardwired… To Self Destruct will drop on November 18 of this year. Reported to be a double disc release, Metallica also shared the first preview of their new material this week with new track Hardwired.
A thrashed out, overdriven track that will take you back to classic Metallica like Battery and Master Of Puppets, Hardwired shows no sign of slowing. Fast, menacing riffs, James Hetfield‘s familiar vocals and pounding percussion make this a furious return from the band. Produced by Greg Fidelman, who also engineered their last LP, Death Magnetic (2008). As a preview of the album, the track makes good on Kirk Hammett’s earlier promise for the album; “It’s metal” he said last year. “It’s heavy”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhBHL3v4d3I
Metallica debuted the track in a Facebook Live broadcast, where they also revealed that “The album’s not actually finished.” But Lars Ulrich assured fans that “It will be done in the next week or so.” The announcement follows teasers from the band via their own and fan websites, including garage demos in 2014 and a video of James Hetfield thrashing out riffs in the studio last December.
Earlier this year Ulrich said that 2016 was shaping up to be a “pretty in-your-face year, at least the back half of it”. He also continued to say that the band have in fact been revisiting older material – albums and photographs – which could be responsible for the throwback to vintage Metallica on Hardwired. The lead up to the release has seen a fairly mysterious side from the band, Ulrich speculated “Who knows what’s going to happen with this stuff?”. However they have vetoed a surprise, exclusive release.
Despite it being so many years since their last full length release, Metallica have not been idle in that time. As well as sifting through an estimated eight hundred compositions for the album, the band also put out their 3D doco Metallica Through The Never. They have hit all seven continents for live shows – and that includes Antarctica. And Metallica also made headlines when they opened up about employing a band ‘therapist’ to work on the relationships within the group over the years.
If you can’t wait until November for the album, Ulrich announce in their Facebook broadcast that the band will be playing a live show this Saturday. A slightly strange presentation, the venue is a Metallica pop-up store in Minneapolis. The gig will be live-streamed via Pandora for those who can’t get there, you can catch it 12:00 ACT on Sunday.
Image: RiffYou
While your taste in music might age as you get older, it goes without saying that there are albums that you’ll always be able to return to. For some, it was an awkward folk stage, maybe a little fling with reggae. For me, it’s metal.
While the origins of the metal sound are open to a crazy level of debate among fans, there’s no doubt that Metallica kicked it into a new gear. More insane guitar solos, chunky distortion and bass, ridiculously complex drum lines, and of course the intensity of the lyrics are all things that changed the face of metal and rock music in general, kicking the darker side into the mainstream. Alongside Metallica are artists like Anthrax, Megadeth and Slayer who also contributed hugely to the sound, however they’re not nearly as prominent now as Metallica have remained. That’s not to say that they’ve stayed consistent, however. They’ve got a nine-album discography under their belt, and just this week announced that a tenth is on the way. Understandably, the quality has dipped at times, with 2003’s St. Anger drawing some really heavy criticism from their loyal fanbase, with the recording process shown via the documentary Some Kind of Monster, warts and all.
Metallica’s third album Master of Puppets is, for many like me, the thrash album. Released in 1986, it was the first studio album by the now legendary metal group, and sadly the last to feature bassist Cliff Burton, who died in a bus crash while touring the record, leaving behind frontman James Hetfield, drummer Lars Ulrich, and lead guitarist Kirk Hammet – who all still play to this day. Aside from the huge critical acclaim it received upon its release and the many lists to include it as one of the best and most influential metal albums ever, it was also the first thrash album to go platinum. Fun fact, it was also inducted into the National Recording registry by the United States Library of Congress just two months ago. So yeah, you could say this is a pretty big record.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qYqi-EMErU
In 2004, I wasn’t aware of any of this. I’d just started learning to play the guitar and was living in a small town on New South Wales’ Central Coast. When I showed up to one of my guitar lessons one day, my teacher was just wrapping up the previous lesson with a significantly older kid. I walked in the room, and was treated to the opening licks of the album’s namesake, Master of Puppets. “Teach me to play that,” I said. Some context, I was nine. My teacher, Mick, gave me a really basic rundown of how to play it, using single notes rather than chords, but I was hooked. The second I got home I downloaded the entire thing, song by song, via Limewire (ironic considering Metallica’s huge beef with Napster in 2000, but I was unaware. And I was nine.)
The opening chords to Battery set the scene for the album perfectly. Thick, echoing guitar, with technical proficiency you’d expect from classically trained players. If this was your first time listening to a Metallica record you’d think you were in for a very different ride. Then boom, the exact same phrase repeated in their signature style – almost like a statement: shredding is an artform. As the name suggests, and much like the sound suggests, battery is a reference to the crime of “assault and battery”. “Smashing through the boundaries / Lunacy has found me / Cannot stop the battery”.
Welcome Home (Sanitarium) is similar to the opening of Battery in the relationship between song construction and absolute shredding. Based on ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’, it’s the story of someone trapped wrongly inside a mental institution. The heavily reverbed guitar work conveys that idea of hopelessness and fear – you’re in the mind of someone in that situation. Like with all the tracks on Master of Puppets however, Hetfield’s voice is able to go from questioning to exploding at a moment’s notice. “Sanitarium, leave me be,” we scream along with him, as the guitar and drums become all the more chunky.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6Dfo4zDduI
Though I would sing these lyrics as a kid, it’s only recently that I’ve fully begun to appreciate just how driving and emotional they are in conjunction with the feeling of each song. Disposable Heroes is about soldiers whose life is at the control and mercy of their superior officers, and has the most intense and fast riffs on the entire record, reminiscent of gunfire and the sounds of war. The Thing That Should Not Be is a man fighting back against the forces which seek to destroy him, and began my teenage obsession with drop-d guitar tuning – so so heavy.
While I didn’t realise at first, and while I might hear you saying “duh Jack what the fuck,” Master of Puppets is an album fighting back against the forces which seek to control us and those we cannot control. It is paranoia, fear, and most of all, anger. It was when I got to my teenage years that I really got to appreciate it all properly. Master of Puppets succeeded so well by perfectly encapsulating the feeling of anger in every possible way. Thrashing guitars as the driving force of rage, solos and lyrics that make you want to scream out, this is the album, this album gets me. Contextually, it came at a time where people were getting angry and scared of just about everything. Rising tensions between America and the Soviet Union, the Chernobyl disaster, the rise of televangelism, famine in Ethiopia and the Iran-Iraq war all struck fear into the hearts of many – and Metallica’s music was an outlet for that.
By far the pièce de résistance of the entire record though, is the namesake, Master of Puppets. Sitting at a whopping eight and a half minutes long, this monster of a composition perfectly encapsulates every feeling on the album. From the fast-paced and driving opening power-chords, alongside lyrics of the “Master of puppets… pulling your strings, twisting your mind and smashing your dreams” – to when the heaviness breaks and the soothing plucked chords of the song’s centre provide brief melodic refuge. Then, it’s unlike anything else. It’s the only point throughout the entire record that brings about a real feeling of peace. It’s in this moment, as we’re serenaded with one of the most beautiful guitar solos I think I’ve ever heard, we accept that we can’t control these forces, as angering as that is to admit. Ultimately I feel like that’s why Metallica, and for the most part metal and thrash-metal in general, hasn’t had such continued mainstream success. For the time period, this album was the embodiment of the paranoia and anger felt worldwide. But perhaps people just aren’t as angry anymore.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnKhsTXoKCI
Speaking as a fan of metal and thrash who is now for the most part not a huge fan of metal and thrash, Master of Puppets is the album. While my attraction to the sound has faded, I’ll always come back to it both because of the universal nature of its themes, and the desire to hear some chunky fucking shit when I get mad, or when I want to get motivated. The lyrical and instrumental mastery is something that as far as I’m concerned, has yet to be replicated, even now 30 years after it was released.
It is, and will always be, all time.
Image: Teachrock
Remember when the internet lost it’s shit last month when Justin Bieber rocked a Metallica tee on The Ellen Show?
Well, much to the horror of metal-heads around the world, Metallica frontman James Hetfield has come out and proclaimed the move to be one the top 10 things to happen in 2015.
Metal Injection have reported that the pop star’s fashion statement claimed the number 10 spot of Hetfiled’s list of ‘Top 10 Thingz of 2015′, joining the likes of meeting Robert Plant (#4), seeing his kids grow (#3) and shooting a sniper out of a moving helicopter.
Hetfield’s approval of Bieber’s actions will only rub salt into the wounds dealt out to metal fans worldwide, when back in October Metal Injection revealed that Metallica considered themselves ‘Beliebers’.
Drummer Lars Ulrich noted, “I think the kid’s really talented and obviously to go through what he’s going through at that early age must be a mindfuck. So the fact that he still goes out there and does it, I admire that and I think he is super talented so I guess I am kind of a Belieber.”
The incident has been Bieber’s second t-shirt controversy for the year, after he also donned a Nirvana t-shirt last month.
While the fans may be lashing out, it hasn’t prevented arguably the biggest name in heavy music throwing up their horns of approval of his work.
Metallica have not been the only ones to join the list of Beliebers in 2015, with the Canadian singer’s latest album Purpose finding it’s way onto countless ‘best of’ lists for 2015, as well as showcasing his new and improved image.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRh_vgS2dFE
I was already in the foulest of moods today, and then I heard Rihanna‘s latest spite shit on the very notion of good taste:
It’s a miserable little ditty about a bitch who owes Rihanna money (and had better have it). The trap beat and overall sound of the song are abysmal enough as it is (and it hurts me to say that because it was produced by none other than Kanye West) but it’s the lyrics that take the cake. Such insightful musings including:
‘Turn up to Rihanna while the whole club fucking wasted’
‘Don’t act like you forgot, I call the shots shots shots’
‘Who y’all think y’all frontin’ on’
And, of course, ‘Bra, bra, bra’, because sound effects are lyrics now. As expected, she sounds like the most uncouth kind of Maury Povich guest imaginable.

I find it grossly unfair that this woman can be worth 90 million dollars and a global superstar and still be permitted, nay, encouraged, to release godawful, poorly-written crap like this. To enrage myself further I decided to take a look at the shitty, shitty lyrics of some other inexplicably famous artists.
The only stipulations here were that the song must be from a platinum-selling artist from the 21st century and meet one or more of the criteria of being nonsensically stupid, cringe-inducingly cheesy or horrifyingly offensive The results were blinding and full of reaction gifs.
5. Beyoncé – Run The World (Girls)
Cheers Bey, I’d spent countless hours wondering just who runs this little old world of ours before you let me know that it is, in fact, girls. Girls run this motha (x4).

What’s really going on at the United Nations
When your chorus and half of your song is a variation of the same terrible line repeated over and over again, it doesn’t strengthen the message behind it, it just makes you look like a lazy shit. Your inexplicably tangential verses don’t save this monstrosity either, whether you’re rambling about being from Houston, working 9 to 5 (spare me) and:
‘I think I need a barber, none of these niggas can fade me’
Your lyrics are worse than that dad-est of dad jokes, Beyoncé. Cut the shit.

4: Ed Sheeran – Wake Me Up
I’ve made no secret of my distaste for every single thing Ed Sheeran has ever done, and this vomity little love song my girlfriend no doubt loves is one of those things. Some of the more egregious lyrical skidmarks are:
‘Would you make me a cup of tea, to open my eyes in the right way?’
You can just open your eyes, Ed. You don’t need a cup of tea to do that. Nobody does. In truth, only a British man would include lyrics about being made cups of tea in a love ballad. Prince Charles and Camilla might be getting their weird royal fuck on to that but I can guarantee you nobody else is.

You’re welcome for that terrifying image.
‘And I know you love Shrek, cause we’ve watched it 12 times’
That’s entirely more than the recommended dosage of Shrek, Ed. You’re a grown-ass man and that’s a ridiculous movie about a giant green ogre and his African-American donkey that you’ve spent an inordinately creepy level of time watching. There are other movies out there that aren’t Shrek, thousands of them. You need to get out of the house.

There’s no soul behind those dead eyes.
The rest of the song is a similarly shoddily-written little stroll along the line between being disgustingly romantic (‘Cause maybe you’re loveable. And maybe you’re my snowflake’) and irritatingly quirky (‘And if your DVD breaks today, you should’ve got a VCR. Because I’ve never owned a Blue ray, true say’).

You’re fooling nobody, Edward, you’re just a terrible songwriter.
3: Nickelback – Something In Your Mouth
Look, I hate Nickelback as much as the next man, but at least they usually peddle in inoffensive albeit bland corporate wuss rock and-
Oh.

Gotcha.
I’ll spare you the verses, which are a lengthy and lecherous description of some poor woman Chad Kroeger has spotted in a drinking establishment, and skip straight to the seedy, seedy chorus.
‘(you naughty thing)
Your ripping up the dance floor honey
(you naughty women)
You shake your ass around for everyone
(your such a mover)
I love the way you dance with anybody
(the way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb
Your so much cooler when you never pull it out
Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth’

It’s dicks. It’s dicks you’re talking about, isn’t it Nickelback?
It’s a small miracle that women even talk to the members of Nickelback with their profound lack of both talent and dress sense, that they can be this outrageously misogynistic in return is mind-fuck baffling.

2: Metallica – Purify
Purify comes from Metallica‘s St. Anger album, a maligned piece of shit completely eschewing guitar solos and anything cool made when they were all in therapy and, by God, is it fucking awful. You can almost hear what’s left of James Hetfield’s mind committing seppuku with a rubber chicken while shrieking at the moon.

Pictured: All of the crazy
‘Tear it down
Strip the layers off
My turpentine’
That’s the opening three lines. Not even a minute in and he’s used the line ‘my turpentine’. It gets worse.
‘Ghost white
Ultra clean
Wanna be skeleton
Clear eyes
Diamond eyes
Strip the past of mine
My sweet turpentine’
I don’t know what this is supposed to be about, but keep in mind the stupidly loud nu-metal guitars and Hetfield straight screaming gibberish like ‘wanna be skeleton’ and it’s even more ridiculous. This goes on for an entirely unneccessary five minutes and fourteen seconds, not without the cherry on top of this clusterfuck cake:
‘ I can find the dirt on anything’
Early 00s-Metallica everybody; heavy metal NapiSan.

1. Pitbull: Various
This fucking guy:
The Grand Wizard of godawful lyrics, nobody will make you facepalm faster or harder than Mr. Worldwide. The man is a moron, and his Eurodisco shit rap is of the stupidest caliber. You are scientifically guaranteed (probably) to lose one IQ point for every syllable of Pitbull lyrics.
Whether it’s rhyming the word Kodak with Kodak (Kodak hilariously filing for bankruptcy a year later), alleging that his adulterous exploits are some misogynistically biblical combination of Tiger Woods and Jesse James
Or, in a feat of insensitive fuckfacery without rival, announcing his ambition to pour so much vodka into whatever salty, godless little club he and T-Pain are presently occupying that it becomes flooded like post-Katrina New Orleans. You know, just that natural disaster that killed over a thousand people.
At least he reveals his back up plan to his fans, in the highly unlikely event that his record label is anything but a success:
“Label flop but Pit won’t stop
Got her in the cockpit playin’ with his (como?)
Now watch him make a movie like Alfred Hitchcock”
I don’t ever want to witness Pitbull’s directorial debut, which would probably be an hour and a half of sexual assault innuendo disguised as product placement and dick metaphors spliced in with closeups of his soul patch. That there is a market for this man’s music is a global travesty.














