I was already in the foulest of moods today, and then I heard Rihanna‘s latest spite shit on the very notion of good taste:
It’s a miserable little ditty about a bitch who owes Rihanna money (and had better have it). The trap beat and overall sound of the song are abysmal enough as it is (and it hurts me to say that because it was produced by none other than Kanye West) but it’s the lyrics that take the cake. Such insightful musings including:
‘Turn up to Rihanna while the whole club fucking wasted’
‘Don’t act like you forgot, I call the shots shots shots’
‘Who y’all think y’all frontin’ on’
And, of course, ‘Bra, bra, bra’, because sound effects are lyrics now. As expected, she sounds like the most uncouth kind of Maury Povich guest imaginable.
I find it grossly unfair that this woman can be worth 90 million dollars and a global superstar and still be permitted, nay, encouraged, to release godawful, poorly-written crap like this. To enrage myself further I decided to take a look at the shitty, shitty lyrics of some other inexplicably famous artists.
The only stipulations here were that the song must be from a platinum-selling artist from the 21st century and meet one or more of the criteria of being nonsensically stupid, cringe-inducingly cheesy or horrifyingly offensive The results were blinding and full of reaction gifs.
5. Beyoncé – Run The World (Girls)
Cheers Bey, I’d spent countless hours wondering just who runs this little old world of ours before you let me know that it is, in fact, girls. Girls run this motha (x4).
What’s really going on at the United Nations
When your chorus and half of your song is a variation of the same terrible line repeated over and over again, it doesn’t strengthen the message behind it, it just makes you look like a lazy shit. Your inexplicably tangential verses don’t save this monstrosity either, whether you’re rambling about being from Houston, working 9 to 5 (spare me) and:
‘I think I need a barber, none of these niggas can fade me’
Your lyrics are worse than that dad-est of dad jokes, Beyoncé. Cut the shit.
4: Ed Sheeran – Wake Me Up
I’ve made no secret of my distaste for every single thing Ed Sheeran has ever done, and this vomity little love song my girlfriend no doubt loves is one of those things. Some of the more egregious lyrical skidmarks are:
‘Would you make me a cup of tea, to open my eyes in the right way?’
You can just open your eyes, Ed. You don’t need a cup of tea to do that. Nobody does. In truth, only a British man would include lyrics about being made cups of tea in a love ballad. Prince Charles and Camilla might be getting their weird royal fuck on to that but I can guarantee you nobody else is.
You’re welcome for that terrifying image.
‘And I know you love Shrek, cause we’ve watched it 12 times’
That’s entirely more than the recommended dosage of Shrek, Ed. You’re a grown-ass man and that’s a ridiculous movie about a giant green ogre and his African-American donkey that you’ve spent an inordinately creepy level of time watching. There are other movies out there that aren’t Shrek, thousands of them. You need to get out of the house.
There’s no soul behind those dead eyes.
The rest of the song is a similarly shoddily-written little stroll along the line between being disgustingly romantic (‘Cause maybe you’re loveable. And maybe you’re my snowflake’) and irritatingly quirky (‘And if your DVD breaks today, you should’ve got a VCR. Because I’ve never owned a Blue ray, true say’).
You’re fooling nobody, Edward, you’re just a terrible songwriter.
3: Nickelback – Something In Your Mouth
Look, I hate Nickelback as much as the next man, but at least they usually peddle in inoffensive albeit bland corporate wuss rock and-
Oh.
Gotcha.
I’ll spare you the verses, which are a lengthy and lecherous description of some poor woman Chad Kroeger has spotted in a drinking establishment, and skip straight to the seedy, seedy chorus.
‘(you naughty thing)
Your ripping up the dance floor honey
(you naughty women)
You shake your ass around for everyone
(your such a mover)
I love the way you dance with anybody
(the way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb
Your so much cooler when you never pull it out
Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth’
It’s dicks. It’s dicks you’re talking about, isn’t it Nickelback?
It’s a small miracle that women even talk to the members of Nickelback with their profound lack of both talent and dress sense, that they can be this outrageously misogynistic in return is mind-fuck baffling.
2: Metallica – Purify
Purify comes from Metallica‘s St. Anger album, a maligned piece of shit completely eschewing guitar solos and anything cool made when they were all in therapy and, by God, is it fucking awful. You can almost hear what’s left of James Hetfield’s mind committing seppuku with a rubber chicken while shrieking at the moon.
Pictured: All of the crazy
‘Tear it down
Strip the layers off
My turpentine’
That’s the opening three lines. Not even a minute in and he’s used the line ‘my turpentine’. It gets worse.
‘Ghost white
Ultra clean
Wanna be skeleton
Clear eyes
Diamond eyes
Strip the past of mine
My sweet turpentine’
I don’t know what this is supposed to be about, but keep in mind the stupidly loud nu-metal guitars and Hetfield straight screaming gibberish like ‘wanna be skeleton’ and it’s even more ridiculous. This goes on for an entirely unneccessary five minutes and fourteen seconds, not without the cherry on top of this clusterfuck cake:
‘ I can find the dirt on anything’
Early 00s-Metallica everybody; heavy metal NapiSan.
1. Pitbull: Various
This fucking guy:
The Grand Wizard of godawful lyrics, nobody will make you facepalm faster or harder than Mr. Worldwide. The man is a moron, and his Eurodisco shit rap is of the stupidest caliber. You are scientifically guaranteed (probably) to lose one IQ point for every syllable of Pitbull lyrics.
Whether it’s rhyming the word Kodak with Kodak (Kodak hilariously filing for bankruptcy a year later), alleging that his adulterous exploits are some misogynistically biblical combination of Tiger Woods and Jesse James
I know you want me
Or, in a feat of insensitive fuckfacery without rival, announcing his ambition to pour so much vodka into whatever salty, godless little club he and T-Pain are presently occupying that it becomes flooded like post-Katrina New Orleans. You know, just that natural disaster that killed over a thousand people.
Keep it classy, you raging dickhead.
At least he reveals his back up plan to his fans, in the highly unlikely event that his record label is anything but a success:
“Label flop but Pit won’t stop
Got her in the cockpit playin’ with his (como?)
Now watch him make a movie like Alfred Hitchcock”
I don’t ever want to witness Pitbull’s directorial debut, which would probably be an hour and a half of sexual assault innuendo disguised as product placement and dick metaphors spliced in with closeups of his soul patch. That there is a market for this man’s music is a global travesty.
As I am sure you are all well aware, the world was rocked with some pretty tragic news last week. The beautiful, talented man that is Zayn Malik, has officially left One Direction. A moment of silence for the girls who have dedicated their lives to loving this five-some.
In any case, I feel that One Direction may become a little lost without their token racially ambiguous hot guy, and so I thought I would share a few ’90s pop artists who have previously dealt with band break-ups and members leaving, in a manner that’ll hopefully shed a little light on how to deal with this terrible loss.
What follows are the four band breakups that ripped my heart apart. These are their stories, DUN DUN.
BAD
So, we’ll start with a band that broke up – not only is this how NOT to deal with a band member leaving, but it may well foreshadow 1D’s future. Just like every other twenty-something girl out there, the first band breakup that comes to mind is of course, the Spice Girls. After a rumoured fight with Mel B in 1998 Geri announced her departure from the band. To summarise what happened, Ginger left to start an (unsuccessful) solo career, the girls released one more (average) album, Scary got knocked up, Posh became a footballers wife, Sporty began a slightly more successful solo career, and we’re not sure what happened to Baby.
WORSE
The next band breakup, and probably the worst case scenario for the boys of 1D, is Destiny’s Child. If Zayn turns out to be the Beyonce of this band, then the four remaining boys are up shit creek without a paddle. For all we know Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall could soon be lumped with the Kelly’s and Michelle’s of the world. Who are Kelly and Michelle you ask? Exactly.
Luckily, we all know Harry is the frontman of One Direction, so this is really just a good excuse to reminisce over DC.
WORST
Next up we have the Backstreet Boys. Kevin Richardson actually left the band and then returned and apparently (according to Wikipedia) they are still together and making music??? Also there is currently a Backstreet Boys documentary in cinemas for anyone that wants to know “what to do when you’re a middle aged man in a boy band”. FYI that is an actual quote from the documentary, which I have not yet seen but very much look forward to.
KANYE
Finally we have the band you’ve all been waiting for (probably, I don’t know), The Beatles. John Lennon left and then he got murdered. Zayn, I hope you don’t get murdered. Ringo and George went on to be mildly successful and Paul McCartney has just, at age 72, joined Kanye’s squad, so I guess you could say things are going pretty well for him.
I have come to the end of my band breakup analysis and realised that in spite of these heartbreaking stories, there’s not much advice we can leave for One Direction. Zayn, you might become the next Queen B but you also might get shot, who knows? Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall you might only be remembered as ‘Zayn’s old band’ or you might marry soccer stars, become THE face of fashun and never smile again. Best case scenario you wait another 50 years and join Kanye’s squad. Honestly I don’t know, I thought that writing this article would help me figure it out but it didn’t so I am just going to stop. Boys, you’re probably screwed. Kanye, I love you.
Hellllo and welcome to your weekly playlist, featuring my ten favourite new songs of the week. You’ll notice a few things about this week’s list: For starters, it’s a week predominantly filled with mashups, remixes and covers. There’s also three tracks not on the actual Soundcloud playlist, sorry – but they’re so good that they’re worth it. We’ve mostly got female-led tracks (as is often the case,) with a bluesy rock single and a couple glitchy techy bits and pieces in there for good measure.
Enjoy!
- Snoh Aalegra, Emotional
I was introduced to Snoh Aalegra last year, with her sublime R&B track Bad Things ft. Common. She’s back now with Emotional, a soulful number produced by none other than Wu-Tang Clan’s own Combining scratchy violin loops, bright trumpets and a chirpy beat, this is all kinds of awesome. - Tei Shi, Bassically (HONNE Remix)
I was a little scared before listening to this remix because of how much I fucking adore the original track, but I’m happy to say that this mellowed, smooth and sultry remix totally does it justice. The atmosphere is really chilled, without sacrificing any of the passion or - Marian Hill, Wasted
Things I like: big beats, unique female vocals, wicked indie-pop melodies. Once again Marian Hill has hit the right spot, with her new single It’s the kind of track that starts off simply, and grows into something playfully eerie and so captivating. - Justin Timberlake, Cry Me A River (CHVRCHES Cover)
I’ve started really liking Chvrches lately, and I’ve obviously always been a JT fan. As you might expect, this is a powerful synth-led pop cover, with driving bass, gorgeous vocals and everything that you love about both artists. Listen to it right here. - Beckyonce (BJ Warshaw) Single Loser (Put a Beck On It) (Beyonce & Beck mashup)
In the wake of the Grammys media frenzy, New Jersey producer BJ Warshaw has cashed in by creating a seriously cool mashup of Beyonce and Beck’s biggest tunes. While the combination seems unlikely, they actually work together ridiculously well! - Gengahr, She’s a Witch
UK band Gengahr have just dropped new single She’s A Witch, a soft and bright indie-folk tune. With a breathy melody and a gentle rhythm, it’s catchy, fun and radio-ready. Keep an eye out for more from these guys throughout the year. - Generaldisarray, Demons
Sydney’s Generaldisarray are back with a bang after a three year hiatus. Led by a raunchy melody, the stompy beat and sleazy guitars give off a punky, late night dive bar vibe. The six-and-a-half minute length is admittedly a challenge, but totally worth it. - Ludacris, Party Girls (Brodinski Remix)
This week, three remixes of Ludacris’ Party Girls dropped: Lunice, Sinjin Hawke, and this one by Brodinski. The darkest and French-tech-iest of the three, it’s sexy and deep, and a little… ludicrous: an X-rated Barbie Girls sample? Haha. Give all three a listen, they’re pretty sweet. - The Police, Roxanne (Royal Blood Cover)
I’m including this one because a) I LOVE this song, b) I LOVE Royal Blood, and c) I was supremely disappointed by their extremely boring Triple J Like A Version, and was even more upset after hearing how actually amazing they are at covers. Not on the playlist, check this shit out here. - Squarepusher, Rayc Fire 2
Hooray, new Squarepusher! The UK artist has just announced a new album, and the first single is Rayc Fire 2, available here as a free download (no Soundcloud soz.) The album was inspired by both Miles Davis-style jazz and dance music, and the single is glitchy, intricate and technologically dazzling.
Here’s the playlist, minus Chvrches, Royal Blood and Squarepusher
Well, the Grammys coverage was pretty saturated by that whole Beck vs Beyoncé (vs Kanye) kerfuffle, but hopefully these two mashups will put an end to it.
Firstly, introducing Single Loser, a mashup of Beyoncé’s Single Ladies and Beck’s Loser.
This is genuinely one of the best I’ve ever heard. Considering that it’s not only topical but actually really good, it’s unsurprising that in four days it’s already nearing 700,000 SoundCloud plays.
The biggest, most instantly recognisable single from each artist, it’s an unlikely combination: Beyonce’s bright, empowering melody atop Beck’s twangy guitar, funky beats and that chorus we all know so well.
According to SoundCloud, it’s officially composed by “Beckyoncé Knowles-Hansen,” but the mashup maestro is actually New Jersey’s BJ Warshaw.
I originally wrote that for Indie Shuffle
Jumping on the Grammys mashup train, Arcade Fire leadman Win butler has actually also released his own mashup under the name DJ Windows98, bringing together Loser and Kanye’s new one Jesus Walks. He’s called it Jesus Walks, Loser, and it’s also pretty awesome – another unexpectedly genius combo, it seems as though everything sounds better with those twangy Beck guitars. It actually reminds me of Eminem’s Desperation, off his most recent album Marshall Mathers LP 2. Knowing Kanye, he’ll hear this and call up Beck for a new collab!
The usual suspects. A few wildcards, but nothing unexpected. The announcement was made on CBS This Morning early Friday by pop heavyweights Pharrell Williams and Ed Sheeran (a sign of things to come perhaps?), who revealed four major categories of nominations.
As usual, most of the nominees are artists who have dominated the charts over the past year. But could we expect to see some more surprise wins like Arcade Fire’s 2011 album The Suburbs? Wins are usually a mix of the critically acclaimed or the commercially successful, but sometimes even an unheard of underdog takes home the bacon. Below is a breakdown of some of the biggest categories of who could be winning big at next year’s 57th Grammys.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Beck, Morning Phase
Beyoncé, Beyoncé
Ed Sheeran, X
Sam Smith, In the Lonely Hour
Pharrell Williams, Girl
Look, let’s be honest. We all knew who the winner of this category would be the moment her album came out, and it goes without saying that Beyoncé will clean up big this year. No one else on this list even comes close in terms of musical prowess, star power and commercial success of her self-titled visual album. She didn’t even need to promote the album, she just dropped it on iTunes, lay back and watched the Internet go into overdrive. Such was the frenzied chaos of eager fans rushing to buy her album that they literally crashed iTunes.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSAOsm1u-OE]
What other artist can boast that, in an age where just actually buying an album is a feat in itself? Not only is it a financial success (it sold a total of 430 000 digital copies within 24 hours), but it debuted at number one on the Billboard 200 – Beyoncé’s fifth album to do so. It’s also the most critically acclaimed album on the list, with a Metacritic score of 85. The only other competitor that comes close would be Ed Sheeran’s X (pronounced ‘Multiply’) or Sam Smith’s In the Lonely Hour. They are both musical powerhouses in themselves, but it’s a pity that they go grouped together with Queen Bey.
BEST NEW ARTIST
Bastille
Iggy Azalea
Brandy Clark
Haim
Sam Smith
This category is a little trickier because we have a few big contenders here all vying for the top prize. Personally, I think Iggy Azalea has the biggest chance at winning. She has dominated this year with her debut album The New Classic and the colossal success of Fancy, as well as making history by having two Top 100 songs at number one and two at the same time – the first person to do so since the Beatles in 1964. She’s collaborated with all the big names in the music biz, from JLo, Ariana Grande to Rita Ora. Although her album didn’t receive a standing ovation from the music community (especially the rap community), her star is certainly one that’s rising, and will continue to rise for the foreseeable future. However, I feel that this is a category in which actual newcomers might have a chance. For the past few years, unforeseen chart toppers like Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Fun and Bon Iver have taken home the gold. Another interesting trend to note is that the most recent winners in this category are all Americans. There have been a few sporadic non-American wins such as Amy Winehouse and Adele in the past, so perhaps it’s the year of the Brit this time round? Maybe the so-called ‘male Adele’ Sam Smith or Bastille might secure another victory for the Motherland. Only time will tell.
RECORD OF THE YEAR
Fancy, Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX
Chandelier, Sia
Stay With Me (Darkchild Version), Sam Smith
Shake It Off, Taylor Swift
All about that Bass, Meghan Trainor
Again, this one is tricky. The real contenders here are Taylor Swift, Iggy Azalea and Sia. It would be hard not peg Azalea as this year’s winner considering the enormous success and seemingly unending reign of her hit single Fancy. The song was on the Billboard Hot 100 charts for seven weeks and catapulted the Aussie MC and Charli XCX to superstardom.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-zpOMYRi0w]
In saying that, she is going up against Billboard’s Woman of the Year, country crooner Taylor Swift. Such is the magnitude of Swift’s success that her album 1989 sold 1.287 million in its first week of release, a feat that hasn’t been equalled since 2002 by Eminem’s The Eminem Show, when people actually bought records. However, we could also see a surprise win from the publicity-shy Sia. Despite her reluctance to appear publicly for any of the accolades so generously bestown upon her, Sia’s Chandelier was everywhere as she continues to ride on a wave of successful hits, with little to no promotion.
BEST RAP ALBUM
The New Classic, Iggy Azalea
Because the Internet, Childish Gambino
Nobody’s Smiling, Common
The Marshall Mathers LP2, Eminem
Oxymoron, ScHoolboy Q
Blacc Hollywood, Wiz Khalifa
It would be easy to say speculate that this year’s best rap album would go straight to Eminem. However, the usually untouchable star’s latest album has come under fire for featuring extremely offensive lyrics about both Lana Del Rey and Iggy Azalea. Eminem is no stranger to misogyny, but the reaction to these jibes were much louder this time than to his previous diatribes, and it could potentially cost him the accolade. Oxymoron by ScHoolboy Q and Nobody’s Smiling by Common are the most critically acclaimed on the list, both tying in with scores of 78 on Metacritic. But could it be Iggy Azalea’s The New Classic which takes home the top gong? If crowned the winner, Azalea would not only the first woman to win a grammy in this category, but the first Australian as well. The only other non-American to win Best Rap Album was Drake back in 2013. This could potentially stir up a great ol’ big shitstorm seeing as Azalea is constantly under fire for allegedly appropriating black culture. Personally, I’d want to see Childish Gambino win. His sophomore album Because the Internet brings way more to the table in terms of originality than anything else.
BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM
Ghost Stories, Coldplay
Bangerz, Miley Cyrus
My Everything, Ariana Grande
Prism, Katy Perry
X, Ed Sheeran
In the Lonely Hour, Sam Smith
God forbid if Bangerz wins this one. I just don’t think the world can handle any more of Miley’s brainless trash pop excrement. Same goes for Prism. Katy, you and your barely disguised sexual euphemisms have had their time in the sun. Let’s be honest here: Ghost Stories isn’t going to win. It got absolutely trashed by the critics and Coldplay fans alike and scored a measly 61 on the Metacritic scale. You know you aren’t doing well when even your most loyal fans won’t flog your shit. I’d say this one is going to pop powerhouse Ariana Grande. No one can get enough of the baby prostitute Mariah 2.0 act. Hopefully Ariana won’t have to deal with deadly onslaught of tanned limbs and sharp wings like the last time she performed:
“Don’t rain on my parade, bitch.”
BEST DANCE/ELECTRONIC ALBUM
Aphex Twin: Syro
Deadmau5: While (1<2)
Little Dragon: Nabuma Rubberband
Rôyksopp & Robyn: Do It Again
Mat Zo: Damage Control
(NB: Lauren wrote this bit)
This was an unbelievably impressive year for dance music, and the nominations are a clear showing of that. Each of these albums not only showcase completely different styles of electronic music, but in their own right, each absolutely shines. Aphex Twin‘s nomination is interesting – the sheer amount of reverance that the dance music community overshadows the pure strangeness and utter obscurity of so much of his music. In a nutshell, it wouldn’t be easy for a newcomer to release an album like this, and receive the same praise. (Same would go for FlyLo.) Little Dragon’s album was a surprise nomination but absolutely deserving; it is truly special and I highly recommend a listen. While I don’t think he’ll actually win, though, my personal vote goes to Deadmau5. I fucking love this album, despite the two hour running time. I love the extended instrumentals, the musical breakdowns that have probably freaked the shit out of techno-heads and the fact that it’s essentially a Nine Inch Nails tribute album. (Some people wrote that as an insult. I see it as a compliment). As for who might actually win, it will probably go to Aphex Twin of Royksopp & Robyn, though I’m hoping for Mau5 or Little Dragon.