This time last week, I spent an entire morning listening to the new Justin Bieber track and writing a confessional piece about liking the song. We also went on to detail his recent appearance on Jimmy Fallon, which included a really genuine interview and a great performance. I hinted at my past of being a closet Belieber, but didn’t divulge to the extent it went. I have Baby and Beauty And A Beat on my iTunes. They’re on my ‘get pumped’ playlists. Holy hair-bleach, I think they each spent some time in my Top 25 Most Played. So there, those are all my cards, down on the table for everyone to see. This morning noticed that I had never clicked Private Session on Spotify, my data is out there in the world. I have quite possibly single-handedly been responsible for pushing What Do You Mean into record breaking territory.
Over the past week, I have been confronted time and time again by my new status as a Belieber by people I had angered, for apparently, I had shown them the light. Here’s a short compilation of some of the conversations I’ve had recently:
a. “Ruby… It’s actually really good. Fuck”
b. “This isn’t actually Justin Bieber.”
And my personal favourite, c:
Sorry everyone, but in an effort to make up for my (apparently very rudely) making you realise you’re a Belieber, I’ve put together a little How-To Guide for accepting your new life as a Belieber and moving forward.
- As demonstrated in conversation b above, you will probably find yourself in some kind of state of denial. Unconvinced that you’re enjoying a song by that vapid little fuck boy, Justin Bieber. But you are, which leads me to step two…
- You’re going to be angry. So, so angry. I was when I found myself listening to Baby on repeat on YouTube. I had passed this stage by the time What Do You Mean came around, but I remember the feeling. Dirty.. I felt like I didn’t know myself – and I didn’t want to. So be angry. Just know it’ll pass.
- This is what I like to consider the half-way point. You’ve admitted to yourself that yes you like “one or two songs”, but that it. You don’t actually like any other Bieber songs. You certainly don’t like him as a person. So you allow yourself one or two guilty pleasure songs. Feel free to listen to them from the comfort of a Private Spotify Session.
- Pivotal in the Bieber Fever Acceptance Process, this is the Reaching Out stage. Read some music blogs and websites (I can recommend a good one) and watch YouTube videos. Read up on what others have said about the new material in comment sections. You’ll find, probably to pleasant surprise, that there are other, respectable people out there who too, find themselves struck down with Beiber Fever. It is around this time that you tell someone that you think you like Justin Beiber: a friend, a pet, a houseplant, anyone. Just getting the words out is so important to this process. You might feel some kind of shame at first, but it will pass. Trust me.
- Endgame. This is where you reach peak Belieber and there isn’t anything you can do about it. So you accept it. You hear your friends badmouthing the Biebs and you jump to his defense. You hear someone saying that What Do You Mean isn’t a good song and you swoop in with a take down. You hear someone say something awful about his hair and… well, you probably agree but say something like “he’s just finding himself again.” You watch his drum battle on Jimmy Fallon and you beam with pride at Bieb’s win before chuckling as he cheekily kisses Jimmy Fallon on the cheek. However, most of all, you wish you were the PR mastermind behind his makeover, because damnit, if they can make you a true Belieber, then they must be some kind of fucking wizard.