For those just tuning in to my back-breaking vegan quest and wondering why I’ve decided to do this, it’s in response to the revelatory announcement by Beyoncé that eating a vegan diet for 22 days is the secret to her otherworldly beauty. I’m calling bullshit and testing it out to see what really happens. Read the first part here, the second part here and the third part here.
AV (After Veganism)
What a nuts 22 days that was; a lot of terrifying lows, some dizzying highs, a few creamy middles. I’m waking up on this fine Friday morning feeling relief like never before and going to absolute town on whatever non-vegan food I can get my paws on; starting with a coffee made on regular old milk straight from the cow.
My barista calls me over as she’s making my order and just wants to confirm that it ISN’T to be made on soy, given that that’s all I’ve ordered for the past three weeks. I return her a look that is equal parts withering and ‘if you even fucking THINK about it…’
I put that coffee to my lips and take a sip…
It’s so very good! Gone are the evil spirits and cardboard flavour of soy milk and it’s such a joy.
You get OUT of here, Soy Buscemi.
I don’t give a solitary shit about the awful gastric cramping that follows as a result of forgoing all forms of dairy for three weeks and then suddenly shoving it straight back into my system, it was totally worth it.
I’m spontaneously jetting to Sydney for the weekend, having never been before, and I plan on ingesting approximately three times my body weight in meat. The twinges of guilt and Earthlings flashbacks I get upon inhaling such animal-murdering delights as lamb curry, crispy skinned salmon and prawns, teriyaki spatchcock (I have no idea what that even is but it was delicious), not to mention a hamburger and fried chicken from my new favourite bar in the universe (Mary’s in Newtown), are not nearly outweighing the amazing flavours going mental in my mouth. I feel bad about it and I can almost hear Joaquin Phoenix sadly narrating my abject failure to adhere to an animal-friendly diet, but I just can’t stop myself. Apologies to all vegans…
Enjoy this gif of a bulldog puppy losing its shit to distract you from my guilt.
My dreams the whole time I was living as a vegan were haunted by the thought of BBQ ribs, potentially my favourite food on this planet. To that end, I’m ordering an entire rack of them while I’m here.
*Heavy breathing*
When I set out originally to do this diet, it was with disdain for Beyoncè coursing through my carnivorous veins. I had little to no respect for vegans or their lifestyle choices and simply wanted to point out how ridiculous she and her 22 day diet of leafy nightmares was.
What I instead came away with was a newfound level of respect and admiration for those who choose to adopt a vegan lifestyle. Because that’s what it is. It isn’t some quick-fix fad diet you can subscribe to temporarily like Beyoncè would have you believe, it’s a way of living your life. One that is admirable in every way but that I simply don’t have the intestinal fortitude to adopt full time, as much fun as I had while it lasted.
I may not have proven Bey wrong, because I actually did lose weight and felt kind of healthy after the initial shock of living as a vegan and I guess that’s kind of the point of a diet, but I hope I may have highlighted the sheer hypocrisy it takes on her part to call herself in any way a vegan.
Real vegans don’t half-ass it and do it part time, they don’t use products like emu oil to keep their aging skin from drying out or dress in enough leather to clothe a small nation. These people adopt a vegan lifestyle because of their love and compassion for the living creatures who share this planet with us. For Beyoncè to try and cash in on that dedication is nigh on disgraceful.
Here’s my favourite gif one last time…
I may not have proven her wrong, but I did learn what a completely greedy twit she is. I’d encourage everyone to give 22 days of vegan living a try. Not Beyoncè’s money-grubbing meal plan version of it, but just an honest vegan diet, the kind you can find from a whole lot of online sources. You may find it too difficult, as I did, but you also might find it’s your cup of (soy milk) tea.