The New Year is upon us, and one of my absolute favourite things to do around this time is to go on Wikipedia and take a gander at their ‘Albums of 2015’ page to see what’s in store for us. More specifically, because I have a twisted, masochistic fascination with music that is awful, I like to look at the albums coming our way and decide which ones I’d like to stop at any cost. Here are a few of them:
Imagine Dragons – Smoke + Mirrors
Not a single thing about this band can be described as anything but either ‘piss poor’ or ‘generic as fuck’. Imagine Dragons deal pretty much exclusively in paint-by-numbers horseshit rock. Their debut LP Night Visions came out at the back end of 2012 and they rode a grimy little tidal wave of inexplicable support for Radioactive, a song custom-designed for poor quality YouTube highlight videos of WWE stars and also sobbing while you masturbate. They’re back early this year with their follow-up, Smoke + Mirrors
Don’t listen to anybody who tells you they’re looking forward to this sure-to-be-dreadful album or that they enjoy the brand of monotonous, vanilla white hard rock peddled by Imagine fucking Dragons. Just delete them from your life entirely, because they like the same music as every snotty 12-year-old kid who plays Call Of Duty online and addresses everybody in racial slurs, and their opinion of anything counts for not a tuppenny fuck.
Madonna – Rebel Heart
Madonna has emerged from the mouldy crypt she no doubt slumbers in for long enough to record yet another unnecessary album. It will be a vulgar slap to the face of good music, even with people like Diplo and Kanye West signed on to be guest producers, no doubt because they fear the undead curse Madge would have inflicted upon them had they refused.
Honestly, there has to be nought but tarantulas and evil spirits holding Madonna’s bones up these days and yet she continues to release electro dance drivel fit only to be sung by YouTube stars of the lowest common denominator. Two of the seven tracks (out of an eventual total of 19) that have been confirmed include the word ‘bitch’, with Bitch I’m Madonna featuring both Nicki Minaj and the muffled screams of the innocent.
Whoever keeps standing in front of the mirror and invoking Madonna’s name three times needs to stop before she leaps out of the spirit realm and drinks all our blood to sustain her music career for the next century.
Lil Wayne – Tha Carter V
Nothing shits me more than rappers and their sequel albums and the Tha Carter pentalogy is the fucking Saw series of hip hop. How are these albums connected in any way, Weezy? The themes of money (preferably in both young and cash forms), bitches, purple drank and claiming you’re capable of murder when you look like a slight breeze would crumble you is hardly any kind of intertwined narrative necessitating that these albums be considered some kind of elaborate series.
No, what happened was
1. You released one album that was met with reasonable acclaim
2. You got stuck trying to think of a follow-up album title and so you just whacked a ‘2’ on that first one and tried to pass it off like it was a highly anticipated sequel because you’re a lazy little cash-grabbing fuck.
I’m hopeful that nothing on this will even come close to out-nauseating me more than acoustic skidmark How To Love off of The Carter IV, but you just know people like Drake and 2 Chainz will poke their heads in for a look and that this will be a genuinely shitty album from a swiftly aging rapper who nobody but the poorly educated take seriously anymore.
Hopefully the rift going on between Weezy and Cash Money Records keeps pushing back that release date. At the very least it’ll keep that shameless creep Birdman at least 100 feet away from anything to do with it.
Limp Bizkit – Stampede Of The Disco Elephants
The list of people who think that yet another Limp Bizkit album would be a fine idea is even shorter than the list of people who would willingly have sex with a chainsaw. Fitting then that Bizkit are now signed by the aforementioned Cash Money Records, a label responsible for a litany of poor decisions that also counts comparable pieces of shit who once had undeserved music careers like Soulja Boy and Paris Hilton amongst its many artists.
Four singles have already been released from this forthcoming rap metal nightmare, with Lightz being the most particularly odious, that fucking unnecessarily stylised ‘z’ perhaps the most deeply infuriating thing I’ve seen all year because of course.
To make matters somehow worse, even though I cannot stress enough how sequel albums are as unnecessary as taking out your dick at a family dinner, their 2005 offering of poorly-timed body odour and salty garbage, The Unquestionable Truth, was apparently only Part One…
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis – TBA
One of the more baffling situations we find ourselves faced with in the 21st century is that Macklemore and his bro Ryan Lewis are, probably by virtue of the defilement of a sacred artifact, award-winning artists and not busking for loose change by a dumpster somewhere.
The dead-eyed ginger himself answered an apparently burning question on the lips of terrible people everywhere by claiming on Twitter last week that we would have a new Macklemore album in 2015.
Fuck. You already gave us Thrift Shop and a whole debut album just silly with garbage in that bleak year of 2012, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. I had to take an Ace Ventura shower after those Grammys.
There’s no word yet on a release date or even an official title, but I’d like to think they’re going to time it for Hitler’s birthday and simply title it using the ancient Sanskrit characters for ‘Fuck All Of You’.
One thing is for sure though, I’d rather listen to The Unquestionable Truth (Parts 1-9) remixed to feature the sounds of Fred Durst having sex with my significant other with a 30 minute closing dialogue between them detailing how terrible I am at sports before I’d ever want to listen to even half of another of your shitty wuss-rap albums.
Please just leave us all alone Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, we can’t take it any more.