Redfoo

Five of the Worst Things with Redfoo’s Name On Them

James Tait

Man, I almost feel bad making fun of Redfoo. It’s like shooting a bunch of Chad Kroegers in a barrel. As easy as it may be though, it’s kind of necessary when he’s out there contributing to music so offensive to both your ears and your moral compass. I can’t let it slide.

This fucking guy…

Redfoo is what happens when you stitch together a lobotomy patient, a clown wig and a piece of shit fished from the bottom of a public pool, and then you paint its ears on and endow it with enough money to make its own music. He should have been stopped years ago because of trash like:

5. I’m In Miami, Bitch!

The first single from the first LMFAO album, this is the foul, primordial ooze from which everything with Redfoo’s grubby fingerprints on it has ever been spawned. This song was so unadulteratedly terrible that the only use they could find for it was as the theme song for Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, which I don’t think you can even watch two minutes of without being at either plankton-level intelligence or a terrible person.

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Pictured: Awful

Not satisfied with doing more damage to the city of Miami than Tony Montana, they then remixed it, replacing Miami with as many other once-respected cities as they possibly could. Ask someone whether they’d prefer ebola or a remix of this song spreading to their city and watch them punch you in the face repeatedly while sobbing ‘Ebola! For the love of fuck, ebola!’

4. I’ll Award You With My Body

I was going to open this entry with a joke but the title of this shitpants terrible song beat me to it. There are country music singers who spend their whole lives trying to come up with song titles as unsettlingly creepy and cringe-inducing as this and THEY HAVE ALL FAILED.

The song is a specific set of instructions one lucky lady should follow to be ‘awarded’ with Redfoo’s body, something that wouldn’t even be given as first prize at a kitten punching contest. My favourite part of this monstrosity is where Redfoo dropkicks what’s left of his feeble mind into the nearest river with the line ‘peel that dress like a ripe potato’.

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Even Mrs Potato Head wouldn’t give you her number with a line like that. She’d fucking call the police like everybody else.

3. Behind The Speedo

Redfoo was happy and all getting his TV turn on The X-Factor, but he had to share the spotlight with three other desperate judges at the end of their careers and a lot of contestants, who even on a reality show as cardboard bland as that, had more talent in their left ass cheeks than Redfoo has accumulated over his entire life. Where was the chance to tell his story, man?

A story that opens with the line ‘He shocked the WORLD with his WIGGLE, now take a look at his LIFE’. Was this… was this directed by someone whose head was stuck in a bee hive the whole time?

Did you do this, Nicholas Cage in ‘The Wicker Man’?

Episode one follows Redfoo in his totally normal and unscripted day-to-day existence and makes ‘Date My Mom’ look like a Vice documentary. At one point Redfoo actually requests that the director of his next music video not be gay, then kind of mumbles a reason why while thrusting. Nobody in the room with him found this to be in the poorest of taste at all. I got through five more minutes of this unflushed toilet of a show before being unable to withstand a second longer.

2: Sexy And I Know It

If you were lucky enough to score a first edition print of the vinyl single for this, you would open the sleeve to find nothing but spiders and venereal disease. Also, you actually bought a Redfoo single on vinyl and I hope you get the horror that is coming to you.

In fact, nobody involved in the making of this isn’t going to die at the hands some kind of mummy’s curse. This is the musical equivalent of one of those utterly shithouse joke t-shirts you get at tourist shops. There is a dude out there in one that says ‘Orgasm Donor’ somewhere, nodding along to the sight of Redfoo’s speedo-clad genitalia and repeated-until-it’s-no-longer-sane’ lyrics of ‘Girl look at that body’ and finding it a fresh attempt at humour.

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You would have seen similar people wearing this at Halloween

They play nothing but this on repeat in Hell’s nightclub, where everyone is dressed like they’re on Jersey Shore, all they serve are Vodka Cruisers and the bouncer punches you in the groin every time you need to go to the bathroom.

But all of that pales in comparison to:

1. Literally, I Can’t

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Let me give you the play-by-play. Several sorority sisters show up at a wild-looking frat party. Immediately confronted with enticing offers of dancing, shots and girl-on-girl action by two nobody rappers, the girls respond with the quite reasonable (if linguistically hamfisted) ‘Literally, I can’t’. They are then told by no less than Lil Jon to ‘shut the fuck up’ approximately seven or eight times over the refrain because damned if he’s taking rejection with any sort of restraint or even sanity.

LilJon

Surely not this guy?

Redfoo then pokes his ridiculous head in for a look and spouts such progressively thinking lines as ‘you’re annoying me cause you’re talking’, ‘jump on the jackhammer’ and ‘I said jump on the pole, I didn’t mean your opinion’, proving once and for all that romance is not dead.

The rest of the video plays out like the dumpster fire you would expect, everyone kicking the sorority leader out of the party for having even a shred of self-worth and the remainder enjoying a dance off with four of the worst human beings the good lord ever breathed life into.

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Women everywhere right now

Obviously after releasing what amounted to the SuperBowl Half Time Show of misogyny, Redfoo realised the error of his ways and apologised, right?

I’m not sure what there is to misinterpret about any of it Red. You and your dudebros are quite blatantly displaying a sexist and demeaning attitude towards women who refuse to participate in what you call partying but what Federal authorities would define as ‘sexual assault’. Luckily, Redfoo was ready with the indisputable facts:

What an enormous concession that must have been for you.

“Hey women, shut the fuck up with all that talking you do and sleep with me! Love ya though”

Like Picasso and Jesus before him, Redfoo is just misunderstood.

I’m sure I’m not the only one waiting anxiously for this curly-headed fuck to be gone forever.